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How can we find much-needed rest and sleep when we are grieving the loss of a loved one? The shock of death kicks our physiology into overdrive. Our normal routines are being changed. We stay up late, eat little or nothing, and often have to deal with a variety of emotions, especially depression.
All of this is part of a vicious cycle that leads to more anxiety, less sleep, and increased fatigue. The immune system is often weakened and the mourner gets colds, headaches and indigestion. And most importantly, the energy level drops at a time when it is badly needed. Here’s an approach to getting rest and the sleep you need, which can interfere with the fatigue cycle.
1. Schedule a daily rest time of at least 30 minutes. First, convince yourself that you are doing the right thing and in no way diminishing your commitment to your loved one. This is an essential part of your grieving process. Find a quiet place to lie down. Place a small pillow under your feet to elevate your legs. If you wish, play soothing music. Close your eyes and focus on the sounds.
2. Take a warm bath in the evening before going to sleep. Add lavender oil to the water. Concentrate on relaxing muscles that feel tight as you scan your body. Each time you exhale, imagine your warm breath going through the tense areas, relaxing them.
3. Prepare your sleeping environment. Make sure the room is completely dark. If death has caused fear, leave a night light on and use a sleep mask. If traffic or other noise is keeping you awake, try earplugs. (If you sleep on your side, put an earplug in one ear.) Keep the room temperature at 70 degrees. Too hot or too cold a room only contributes to insomnia.
4. Follow your usual bedtime routine, whatever it may be. If you are unable to do this, read something light if possible. Or play a cassette with nature sounds. Remove tight or restrictive clothing, even if it means sleeping naked.
5. Put a pen and paper on the nightstand by your bed. When your mind starts racing or you’re thinking about what needs to be done the next day, get up and write it down. Then go back to bed.
6. If you still can’t drift away, try a one word mantra. For example, focus on your breathing and repeat the word sleep each time you exhale. Other possibilities would be words like let go, relax, calm, slow down or rest. As soon as you find your mind wandering and thinking about the next day or your big loss, gently bring yourself to repeat your word. Don’t be alarmed if you have to say the word again because you were thinking of something else. It’s a shared experience.
7. Some experts believe electronic devices can disrupt sleep. Make sure nothing like a watch is near your head.
8. If you fall asleep and wake up after a few hours and can’t get back to sleep, start again with your one word mantra. This can also be a time when you might want to try one of the herbal remedies to induce sleep, like valerian, passionflower, or chamomile. Some people have had success using the amino acid L-tryptophan.
In summary, sleep disturbances are a normal part of the grieving process. The emphasis is on normal. Work patiently to clear your mind by learning to focus on a word and your breathing rate. Stick to a set routine and try to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. Light exercise during the day (walking for 10-15 minutes) can also help with sleep. Most important, but difficult, is not reacting strongly to not being able to fall asleep. This increases the inner alarm reaction. Gradually, your usual sleep patterns will return.
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